Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Relief, somewhat

The Doctor has finally called. The tumor has not changed in any way and he is referring to it as stable! Whatever the heck that means, I will take it! He wants to see us next month and he said he still wants to repeat the MRI in a few months, but this a good thing! Right? Goodness, I wish I could say I feel 100% better, but I don't? I still have this lingering, suffocating feeling. I thought this would subside, but no? I think because we are still at the same place we started? I was praying this would just be gone, disappeared..I need more concrete answers, but I can't have them. I am leaning on the Lord for guidance and some relief. I have so many things heavy on my heart, I feel like I could burst.

Besides all the illness that has surrounded my family over the last few weeks, I have also had a long-time friendship come to an end. This was my doing, It was not caused by an argument or falling out, per say, just because I felt like this friend became someone I did not know or understand anymore. The biggest difficulty I had was trying to not let it consume me, but it did. I had cared for this person and the family very much so and for a very long time, at one point I even opened my home to her and her family when she needed a place to stay. That is the problem, I get too involved, too worried and then in turn I can't understand the choices that are being made. I was not being judgemental, just confused and upset. It worried me so, and I knew that were was only one way to handle it...End the friendship. I have never done that before with a friend. I don't fight much with other friends; I speak my mind, we disagree, then we have cake & coffee the next day ;) She was different, we were so close, that when I would have discussed my feelings, she would have felt betrayed and angry. I didn't want that, even though, in the end it all came out anyhow. So, this has been weighing heavily on my heart. What's done is done now, but it still sad to lose the friend I have grown with and had for all those years. Well, my emotions are raging right now, so I am going to go back to Hot Tea & Pepto Bismol...


Jensmere said...

Bless you, Melissa! Sometimes we just don't get what we 'think' we need. Continue to trust and rely on the Lord....HE knows what you need and when you need it most!

As for your used wisdom in separating yourself from a situation you could not help or change.

Take care of yourself,

Alicia, The Snowflake said...

I'm not sure that answer would have satisfied me either. But God knows and He has it all under control. Sometimes I just wish He would let me in on His plans ;)

You did make a wise decision about your friend...a difficult one, but a wise one.

Melissa said...

Thanks girls, it is sotrue. God has his plan for us, just sometimes I have such a hard time waiting for it to "play out" He does certainly know what we need and I have full trust in HIM!Thanks for ALL the support!